Updated: Jul 22, 2019
I have to wonder what the Poly folks of the world did before online dating. How did they approach people to be in a relationship with while in an open marriage? It seems that there are so many open marriages and ethically non-monogamous situations (I am not against or hating either of these, just not for me) on these online dating apps and before now I didn't think this to be common at all. Turns out it is quite common. Also, 'casual' (which is all it could be if they are in an ethically non-monogamous situation) is extremely common and those folks in many cases are the poly ones. I'm going to lay it out right here though...I only want a monogamous relationship which means a person who doesn't have a wife! Is this too much to ask for? Where did all the monogamous folk go? Is it that casual sex is just so easy to get now or is it that it was always this way and just less obvious?
As it is, this online world is a sea of men wanting casual sex and making it out like they want more so that you'll give it up (sorry, this is fact in the case of online dating, again I understand not all men do this). And if heaven forbid you say that their lack of interest is not cool with you, they suddenly make you out to be a crazy, needy woman who expected too much and became negative. They never intended a relationship but now they will tell you that you caused it to never happen by being a problem. In fact, you were only having respect for yourself and not giving in to someone else's needs over your own. I will introduce you all to the proper term for this...Gaslighting. The Definition of Gaslighting is: a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the victim and de-legitimize the victim's belief. Alternatively, there are also the men who say they understand and still message here and there late at night trying to convince you to come over.
So this is basically what is out there, however, I have multiple friends that met amazing men on these apps almost right away and are in long term relationships. I just keeping missing that needle in the haystack (you are welcome for the cliche). Part of the problem...I just can't help but engage with unusual people because among other things I am curious about their lifestyle and need more material. I am basically an investigative journalist (it's a stretch, yes). This all leads to the conversation I had with my match You'll Love my Wife Mark.
Cute guy, we match, has the usual height requirement which of course is probably the only thing I actually saw because after we match I realize his profile says 'something casual'. Not this again. So instead of being a jerk and just ghosting my match, I choose to tell him that I missed the 'something casual' thing and accidentally matched and good luck on your search. He proceeds to tell me that he is just looking for a casual friend with benefits... 'because my wife and I are in an open marriage. We also play together but we play solo too...We have young kids plus work so it's hard to do more than casual.' I obviously tell him that I am absolutely not into banging someone's husband and he counters with...'my experience is you will feel better after meeting her, she's very friendly and outgoing.' Wait, what? You also want this person to meet your wife? I have so many questions. Will she be my sister wife? Do we all go out together? Am I the tie breaker in fights? If you guys are so busy with work and kids how do you both have time for side flings at all? Friendly and outgoing means what for me if it's just that I want to end up in a relationship and not with your wife or her husband?
So when I respond that meeting her seems even less likely to help he still is not ready to throw in the towel. He says, 'Fair enough.. You let me know if you would like to chill sometime.. No expectation.. LOL.' And here is where crazy me shows up because I actually want to go for a drink to ask him my 101 questions about the mechanics of an open marriage. The reasons I am hesitant is that I definitely don't want to meet them both, he definitely thinks that he can change my mind in person (why else does he still want to chill?) and there is a definite chance they are a killer couple. The murder scenarios are endless with this one.
So the messaging didn't end there, I have received a good morning it's a beautiful day message, and a how are you since. I am still heavily debating asking him to meet me in a public place for a drink to pepper him with questions. That may just be annoying to him so I haven't made a decision yet, but if I do, I am sure the follow up post could be fun.
So here's a few scenarios of how knowing You'll Love my Wife Mark (and maybe even his wife) could have caused my murder...
We meet for a drink (obviously in a public place), he drugs my drink, offers to walk me to my car and the next thing you know I have found myself in the trunk of a car about to be stabbed and murdered by him and possibly his cohort wife too
The previous sister wife becomes enraged with jealousy and hits me with her car (he did mention that his last casual had moved away and that's why he's looking again, couldn't fathom a break for just him and his wife I guess)
I am convinced by his charm and go to their place to meet the wife who is waiting in a room covered in plastic sheeting to end me (calm down, I never would ever have gone back to their place)
We meet, I pepper him with questions, he can't stand my obnoxious nature and takes me out right there in the pub (maybe with a broken beer bottle, that's how I picture it)
So we shall see if I am crazy enough to meet for question time but if not it did still give me enough for a full post so thank you You'll Love my Wife Mark.