• Kooky

Toxic Masculinity Sam

Updated: Jul 23, 2019

It appears that when I see a nice looking man on these apps and he is very tall I automatically swipe right.  I like them tall.  Recently I swiped right on Sam, we messaged a little, he is tall and funny.  My standards obviously aren't developing and I am learning no lessons in this process.  I believe even today I swiped right solely based on 6'3".  I'd like to pretend that I am not so vain that I would automatically swipe left on a 5'9" man, but in reality yes I am that vain.


We met for dinner and drinks one day.  He is handsome and tall, our conversation was good.  I was having a good time when the waitress asked if it was separate bills or together.  We then had a very awkward moment of just staring at each other (seemed like 5 minutes, was probably 4 seconds).  Right or wrong, I am very used to the man saying together and picking up the first bill (if not all the bills).  He did eventually say together is fine and I awkwardly stated that I'd happily split it.  He paid and proceeded to say that I could get the bill next time.


He walked me to my car and asked if I would see him again.  I agreed, he was really nice (or so it seemed) and I didn't see why not.  He asked me to text when I got home so he knew I was home safe which I thought was quite nice as well.  A couple days later he asked me to meet him at a pub for a drink and of course I went.


So we meet at the pub (I am starting to think I should remove pubs from my dating repertoire), all seems the same and the conversation starts well.  Until, that is, I did an eye roll when Trump was mentioned (sorry folks, I am not a fan, and I don't care to debate it).  This started a very unfriendly conversation.  He started throwing out 'facts' on all the good the Donald is doing and all the benefits of him as President.  I threw in a couple 'I don't think those are actual facts' which aggravated him a lot.  He got increasingly worked up.


My personality when I agree, disagree or am playing Devil's advocate is usually pretty lighthearted and fun.  I try to avoid really getting into it and I more often make sarcastic comments and try to be funny than really get worked up.  I was acting much the same way here, but he couldn't tell and was trying to fight with me.  Then, to my disdain Gun laws were brought up.  One of my least favorite discussions.  He proceeded to tell me that he owns a lot of guns including semi-automatic weapons and that it was his right (blah blah blah).  He threw down more made up facts than Donald Trump, like he really knew everything about the topic and was mad if I said anything that didn't support his theory.  Listen, this is not my hill to die on, I don't care enough to fight with someone I barely know in a pub about why guns are so great.   I mocked (lightheartedly) him a little for getting so serious which made him really mad.  At this point I grabbed the bill and put down my card so I could pay and get out of there, he didn't appear to get that I was done.


He then tells me that the police can come to your house 2 hours after you're driving and give you a breathalyzer test.  I said this is not the case and he mentions that it's part of our new drinking and driving laws.  I asked how he knew this and basically it was word of mouth (claimed a lawyer told him, mmmm hmmmm).  So of course being the person I am I told him he was probably best  to make sure these things are facts before sharing.  I looked up the new drinking and driving laws in front of him and proved he was wrong.  He found that irritating (in his defense I too would find that irritating but I would own my error).  As I paid the bill with my card I interrupted him because I really was done with the conversation and like an angry child he had a fit about my interruption.  He patronizingly told me it is very rude to interrupt someone (again usually true but in heated conversations not always possible). 


Red flags with Toxic Masculinity Sam:


  • owns guns (sorry gun fans and NRA, owning guns definitely makes it easier to murder)

  • Trump fan (sorry Trump fans and Republicans, not sorry)

  • 4 kids with multiple mothers 

  • easily agitated

  • drives a Subaru (OK listen, I know for most this is not a red flag but in my experience I have met some douchey Subaru drivers)

He got up to go to the washroom and I packed up to leave, I didn't want to be sitting there for more conversation when he got back.  I waited by the exit so I could just politely say goodbye and leave.  He saw me there and did walk me to my car while insinuating that I am kind of a brat (he's not wrong, I think it's part of my charm).  Then he surprised me, I mean I thought he was not enjoying this at all either but he turned and hugged me goodbye.  I got in my car and expected to never hear from Sam again.  A little over an hour later he texted asking if I was home safe and sound (such a gentleman thing to do for someone who talked down to me when I interrupted him).


I had to wonder, was this guy on the same date I was?  It wasn't pleasant for me and he was so angry and agitated I can't imagine he'd want to do that again.  Nope, sure as shit he messages me the next day asking how my day was and a little bit of banter.  Could it be that he loves arguing?  Then another text....'are you interested in going out again?'  Wait, what?  He's obviously not even on the same planet as me.  Not only do our opinions differ so much but he was so agitated by the whole thing.  I mentioned that I can't believe he wants to see me again.  He confirmed he did to which I replied 'I can't keep my mouth shut, so...' and he has never responded.


Another one down but at least I found out this was bad by date #2.


All the ways Toxic Masculinity Sam could have murdered me:


1) The usual walking me to the car in a dark parking lot (I am aware I use this a lot)

2) With any number of the guns he owned, death by gunshot wound

3) I agitate him until he strangles me right there in the pub

4) Being so mad that when I go to walk past him he puts out his enormous leg to trip me, I trip only to fall into a corner of the table, crack my head open and die

#onlinedating #bumble #tinder #hinge #murder #redflags #toxicmasculinity #nothanks

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