2020 as we all know has been a sick joke of a year. Even though 2020 gave us Tiger King we have all almost forgotten that gem as the world keeps turning in the most fucked up ways (Covid, Trump, Kanye, Murder Hornets, American Civil war, Anti-maskers, Beirut Explosion...to name a few). It's been tough for some more than others and I feel a lot like I fall in the category of someone who has had a disastrous year. Disclaimer: I write for therapy. Not really worried if someone reads this or not but I need to get this out. So hold onto your panties this is a lot or stop reading if you don't want to listen to me complain about my year.
This year I have experienced...
my daughter being attacked by another girl and injured, resulting in an investigation against the police and their actions that day (leaving an injured minor without calling paramedics or parents)
my son being swarmed by a large group of boys and me struggling to keep both kids safe from insane bullying
an immediate family member's suicide attempt and recovering from the trauma of finding them in this state
Corona Virus (of course, like everyone else) with an immune system issue
a breakup (or 3 but who is counting, one of which where the douche actually hit on a teen while I was asleep)
an incredible jaw infection resulting in emergency oral surgery (lost a very back tooth and had a bone graft)
a random homeless transient stalker for a couple of months
dropped my phone in the toilet ($650 to replace)
My tire blew and all four had to be replaced ($900)
turned 40 (Covid birthday, however, my friends and family made it a good one, I am just putting this on here to be whiny about my aging)
two days after I turned 40 my 14 year old wiener dog died and I am devastated (while I was out of town and had to put him down via face-time, also $500)
I developed a rash on my face and back of head including very swollen lymph nodes that doctors cannot figure out (going on two months with it now)
2 weeks after my wiener dog died, my 10 year old bulldog lay down in front of me and died of a broken heart (missing the wiener dog), and again I am devastated and now dog less
2 weeks after my 2nd dog dies, my grandmother (who I adored most in this world) died and I couldn't go to her side due to fucking Covid (read a Eulogy via Zoom and on a tablet at the Celebration of Life)
my narcissist mother, has seen all of this on social media and I haven't heard from her but she posts some passive aggressive shit about being invisible
Whoever said stuff comes in 3s is a lying, good for nothing, sack of monkey shit (sorry, too much?). If Karma is for real I have done something awful! I just don't remember what that is. Is it this blog?
In the midst of all of this however, right around my birthday, I look into my mailbox to find yet another fun surprise. I was stepping out with my kids and I have a weird obsessive tendency, whether I am coming or going, to always check the mailbox. Inside I see a very small bubble wrap white envelope very similar to one that I have seen before, almost a year ago. I felt a shiver go over my body as I hesitantly pulled the envelope from the mailbox. This seemed so familiar, no return address, addressed to me. I quickly, as if I was removing a band-aid, tear open the envelope to reveal what is inside. Another little baggy, but this time in the clear little baggy there isn't a ring...almost a year later, it's a matching bracelet! Maybe not matching, but a similar look to the ring that had come a year before. My daughter was next to me and was just as in shock as I was...no way!
Well this adds a new level of weird to my life but in the midst of everything else, barely affected me. This poor sap who is sending this is not getting any credit. I am slightly less amused by the new jewelry than I was the first time because...why? Why would you want to send someone something and get no credit for it? I am currently single, how about some real jewelry in person? We did take it out when people were over on my birthday, taking turns reviewing it for GPS and a mic but to no avail. I am starting to think I need to date a body guard because this has a level of creepy that is starting to seep into my brain and seed a level of paranoia. My safety was already in question with the creepy stalker, who had returned after he had gone to another city. He returned right to our block and was arrested on breach. I have no idea if he remains in custody or not.
So, currently I am trying to face and deal with my grief from all my losses and try to keep moving forward (even though I am still sleeping with a hammer). Some people have told me how impressed they are by my resilience, but it's not like I have any choice, I have kids to be there for. Let's be honest, I drink like a mother fucker these days, but can you really blame me? Single mom in a house with two teenagers who have been bullied and attacked only to then get a random stalker who tries to break into my house? All causing me to sleep with a hammer and have nightmares. This girl needs her wine.
I also know quite well that there are people out there dealing with much worse. This is my stuff, and although I am not in as much pain as maybe others it does not diminish the tough year that I have had. There's a reason I don't turn to people easily and it's because people lack empathy. Not sympathy but empathy and people aren't all that comforting to me these days, which is why I write and see a therapist. Let me tell you a few things not to say to someone who is confiding in you for empathy.
She lived a long life or it was her time (I am still sad someone died, doesn't matter how long they lived or how good a life it was, I am still sad, it is the people left behind who are affected) maybe change it to, Sorry you've lost someone so important to you
You can't change these things (sure can't, but again it has still made me sad and stressed and angry, I am turning to you for that) maybe change this to, I can't say I know how you feel but I'm here if you need me
It's part of life (makes a person feel like they are being a big whiner and should get over it, the reason many people don't share how they are feeling) maybe instead say, life can be cruel sometimes, want to tell me about it?
I don't notice the rash on your face (makes me feel crazy, like I am once again making a big deal out of something unnecessarily) instead try, ouch, that's tough, you are still beautiful
The stalker is bothering other people too (sorry, but I am only concerned about the safety of my kids and myself, can't be taking on everyone) instead try, are you safe? is there anything I can do? do you need someone to come by? these would be better responses
So, the rant is over, dating is basically non-existent because let's be honest...would you date someone whose life is this level of shit? I am clearly not in my greatest state of mind and it appears my only support system is me writing an anonymous blog. I'm going to continue on, go to therapy and try to put the first 8 months of 2020 behind me. I'd like to put it into the Universe that I am ready to move forward and have some good happen...so let's do this.
So, Stay Sexy and remember, it's okay to have bad days and to truly feel them, don't let anyone tell you it's not.