Updated: May 22, 2022
So my gut was wrong, I now know I really cannot trust my gut. He did misrepresent himself after all and now I am back, back in this horrid world of online dating and deception. Yes I am very burned this time around.
So, this man comes into my life, he seems genuine and not to just me...to everyone around me. My kids loved him all my friends thought he was amazing and became friends with him easily. I was told over and over how happy everyone was that I found such a decent human being to spend my life with. Christmas Eve of this year he comes with me to my family's home on the other side of the country, and at our lovely Hungarian style dinner in the home where my beloved grandmother was last alive, he proposed to me. I really never thought marriage would be a dream for me again, it failed the last time, why do it again? He was someone I never thought I could let go of, he protected me, helped me with everything and gave me dreams that I never had before. Little did I know, at this time, it was all fake. I said yes, and I believed I would spend the rest of my life with this man. I believed I would not have to worry any more about my health issues that are worsening, that I am aging and my being evicted from my home as a renter (it is a tear down and the day is coming). He promised he would sell his house where he lived and we would buy a nice home together here, he sent me listings all the time getting me excited for home buying.
If we go back for a minute to when we met, he lives on an island 1.50 hours by ferry from where I live. When we first met online, I said I didn't want to date him because he lived so far and it would never be an option for me to go there due to my kids and my career here. He convinced me that he would come to me and make the effort because he thought I was worth it. He even said he would relocate if we became serious. I thought this guy was crazy and would never manage to make that work. We met though, fell in love, or at least I thought we did and he made the most effort with regards to travelling back and forth for over a year and a half.
I have come to realize now that this man, let's call him Cry baby Pete, was love bombing me. He did all the right things, said all the right things gave me hopes and dreams that were never going to happen. It is so painful now to know I fell for that. Here is a description of love bombing...
"Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person," says licensed therapist Sasha Jackson, LCSW.
"And as the recipient, love bombing feels really good because of the boost of dopamine and endorphins you receive. You feel special, needed, loved, valuable, and worthy, which are all the components that contribute to and increase a person's self-esteem."
This is exactly what happened to me and then one day he comes over, we go to the wedding fair together and have a great time and the next day he goes back to the Island for work and I never see him again. Cold feet he says over and over. I feel abandoned by the person who made me believe I was special, needed, loved, valuable and worthy. Suddenly I was none of those things. He avoided me for days. He made a plan to show up on Easter Sunday, so I decide I will make him a nice Hungarian dinner. Just two hours before he shows up, he cancels, apologizes profusely and promises to be on the 7am ferry the next day with lots of flowers. I am already mad for being stood up, this is Easter and already traumatic time of year for me due to many many years of bad things happening around this holiday. He knows what Easter means for me. 9:30am the next morning I am making us coffees and he texts me "Good Morning", and I text him back that I guess he didn't make it on the ferry and he proceeds to tell me he slept in. Being stood up a second time does not feel very good and I am so confused. Before all this, I thought this man worshipped the ground I walked on, I thought he would never purposefully make me hurt and I was so so wrong.
Then, he calls, he informs me that he is no longer selling his home and moving this way and that if we want we can rent together while he keeps his asset and insinuates that I am after his fucking house. I make almost double his income and he is insinuating that I am a gold digger. I have been the most self-sufficient, financially fucking independent person my whole life and then he calls me a gold digger. This is when I get really angry, and wait for it....he thinks I overreacted! He actually started to gas light me and tell me I will only allow things to be MY way and he doesn't get a choice. Meanwhile, he put all these dreams in my head, he made all these plans that I went along with and now he is making a decision to change everything without so much as speaking to me in person. Please remember this coward has been avoiding me.
Just one week before this, I had purchased my wedding dresses. They are now waiting to be returned. We had just signed with a realtor to start looking for places locally as he was about to put his house on the market. I had to do the embarrassing task of telling the agent that we were no longer getting married and apologize. He checked on me a few days later to make sure I was ok, the realtor was worried about me. Cry baby Pete never told me we weren't getting married, that was a decision I made. I can't marry someone I cannot trust and after going back on everything and avoiding me, I could not trust a word that came out of his mouth. He made some valiant attempts at further gaslighting, telling me that I didn't make an effort to get to know his family or come to the Island enough. Please remember that when we met I was clear that I could not go to the Island much. Suddenly this was all my fault even though I didn't change a thing. His mention of me not getting to know his family was interesting too, isn't it his responsibility to broker a relationship between me and them? I did go to the Island once in a while, why didn't he have a dinner or something. I didn't have him make plans with my family, I did that to get them together. This is absolute gas lighting.
Not only did he continuously gaslight me and blame me for his behavior but he cried to my friends and family about how heart broken he is and how hurt he is. It is always about how he feels. My aunts words to me were..."he cried, and cried and cried about how much he loves you", except he was avoiding me and gas lighting me at the same time. His crying was pure manipulation of my friends and family so that they wouldn't hate him and I would feel alone (they were even falling for it a little). He was trying to get my support systems on his side. This is narcissism, this is abuse. When I told him his behavior was a narcissistic trait, he flew off the handle and went crying to his cousin that I was calling him names (narcissist) and she then attacked me via text and continued his abuse by gas lighting me too. Imagine this, he left my house one day and I never saw him again, he attacks me and gas lights me and even has his family join in all while I believed I was in a very loving and committed relationship, I was shook.
Twice now he has texted, TEXTED, not called or seen me, asking me to take my kids and move to where he lives and then he would take care of me...to fix the career issue he suggested I commit fraud and go on an extended sick leave to live there. All while from day one I told him that could never happen. He asked for the ring back but also a birthday present he had given me last June...a paddle board. Who asks for old birthday presents back?! One minute his texts are apologies saying he was completely in the wrong and the next he is attacking me for being wrong and asking me for things back. It is an emotional hell I really want to end.
There is no fixing this, there is no way. Trust is obliterated and he turned into the exact opposite of what I believed him to be. Typical in love bombing. He made promises to me and my children and ripped them away without even a person to person conversation. He hid from me and hid behind text. He had his family attack me and I am sure lied about me in many ways. He tried to get my family and friends on his side. I cannot believe I was deceived for this long, that I didn't see a red flag until now after I was engaged. And let's be completely honest, everyone was shocked I was into this guy. Many people said he was fighting out of his weight class. am a bombshell comparatively. But this says something about me, I am all about personality and how I feel when I am with someone. I never would have judged him based on looks entirely and I fell for the man I believed him to be until that façade fell.
The red flags list:
- Lives with his parents and sibling still at 45 (in his house that they rent from him but with no boundaries and still like a childhood home)
- Overreacts to every little thing (constantly asking me if I was ending it if I brought up an issue)
- Doesn't have a good relationship with his kids
- Cannot make decisions and stick to it
- love bombing
- has cats (you all know I believe you cannot trust a cat person)
Also, I went to Mexico with him and so far there is a pattern building that when I go to Mexico my relationship ends right after. It happened twice, I consider that a pattern. So in all of this he had plenty opportunity for murder and so did I really.
1) I threw him in front of my stalker for protection and my stalker murders Cry Baby (yes, that damn stalker is still lurking about)
2) I hated the ferry and it really stressed me out. We went up to the deck once and he definitely could have thrown me overboard
3) His brother is a total asshole and fights mean, I could see him murdering Cry Baby in his sleep because he wasn't doing what the asshole brother wanted
4) Had he done this in person (I am not saying he was wrong to be afraid and hide from me) I would have throat punched him and since he is such a baby I may have been strong enough to collapse the things in the throat and he suffocates (I have no idea if that would actually happen, I am not a doctor)
So I am back and I will start dating again soon. At least blog writing and dating get me out and distracted from the very real pain that this man caused. Also there's a ring for sale...hit me up. And I did send the bag of dicks in case anyone was worried.