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  • Writer's pictureKooky

Shady Schmuck Shane

So, sometimes I feel like I can trust someone and that they are pretty cool (won't make it into the blog because they aren't a total loser) and I tell a guy about this blog I write. Then sometimes I make a promise that they need not worry because I won't write about them. Sometimes that's a lie, I was unable to see how much they would deserve a post and with the best of intentions, I lied. So starts the story of Shady Schmuck Shane. I continue to use a fake name and no identifiable information so it's not like I'm outing the Schmuck somehow or swaying opinions of others. No one really knows who this is, so my lie is okay and he is deserving of a post so here it goes.

This potential murderer (he is definitely shady enough to be a murderer) was a Hinge match. Met the height requirements, good chat, nice smile and I genuinely thought he was one of the odd good ones from online dating. Of course, I was wrong, I am a terrible judge of character (we already knew this). The Schmuck and I decided that although Covid was going on we were having good chats and we could meet for a walk nearby and see how we did in person.

We meet in my area nearby, on my usual running route. I ran there to get some amount of exercise. He was late (red flag), I obviously wasn't exciting enough to make it on time but it happens so I wait. He arrives and I notice a weird coincidence, we drive the exact same car (down to the black rims and all). Now, I don't believe in signs at all but for some reason my brain went right to, must be meant to be (Shut the fuck up brain, you are misfiring). I thought right away that he was fun because he brought two canned wines for our walk and that seemed like a fun idea (as long as there's no poison), I mean wine really is the way I will be kidnapped one day (that, or donuts).

We did, we hit it off. Had a great time, even went back to my patio and ordered a pizza and continued to talk for hours. This Schmuck seemed alright. During our conversation though I may have asked for a last name, it wasn't purposeful but his weariness to provide it was strange. I think we were talking about weird pronunciations, my name is very odd. I took notice of his reluctance to provide it and filed the last name away in my mind for later (I sometimes have the memory of a goldfish but luckily not this time). He left and that was the end of date one, but he did text me the next day (a step up from the norm as well).

The following day I decided it was time to do the Google search (had he not been so reluctant I may not have searched at all). Now, I do this from time to time, I never actually expect to find anything juicy or in the news about a person but if someone gives me a red flag I think it is a necessary tool. I never suspected I was talking to an actual criminal. To maintain this Schmuck's privacy I will be vague on the details but he is being investigated by the US Securities Commission. Let's just say it looks like someone is a fraudster and it would be hard to deny. I read about this in detail, opening all the documents, reading everything. There were transcripts from texts between the Schmuck and a Schmuck business partner that were what appears to be quite incriminating. The worst is that this is all currently in progress. Why on earth would you decide that while you are publicly named in a very large crime that you should date strangers? Focus on your lawyers and your plan right now guy. Not to mention he has small kids, maybe spend all the time you can with them before you end up in the big house (I have no idea if this offence comes with jail time, I tried to find out and nothing).

Now, I had to decide what to do with this information. Do i ghost him? This is not my style. Do I send a text saying what I have found and probably best we don't talk again? Do I let it ride and see how long it takes before he tells me? Of course I did the last one, I thought this is best for material and maybe, just maybe, he had an explanation in time that would be sufficient (brain was misfiring again). So, we met a few more times and unfortunately I still liked him. I was waiting patiently for him to tell me things but he didn't, he had to know it was only a matter of time before someone finds out. He would say he had work drama or kid drama here and there, nothing specific and I think it was probably always law drama and he didn't want to say. If he doesn't want to explain, my assessment is he is guilty and shady and he probably has no explanation other than greed. Why in the heck was I still hanging out with him? Why do I like the shadiest of people?

After a few weeks of hanging out with this Schmuck on and off, he started to do the usual things. Let's be clear here, you are a criminal with frozen bank accounts and quite a few years older than me with nothing impressive going for you (other than maybe an impressive choice in car) and you think you are BETTER THAN ME?!?! Well, he did, and let's be clear, he is wrong. He would make plans with me and not follow through. I'd ask when we are meeting and no response until...he'd send a selfie from a friends house drinking. So you bailed on me, without saying anything and think I want to see your selfie of what you are doing instead? Nice. Full of respect, another sign that the crimes he committed he is guilty of. My time is valuable and if I put time away for you because we had plans, follow through or cancel in advance with a decent reason. I eventually told him to Fuck off and he did a bit. Then a random text would come in and I'd engage a bit. One day he asked if we could go for a walk again and I said very clearly, 'if you are serious and you will be there, yes'. He said he was serious and the plan was made for the next day. Guess who texted the next day after I asked if we were still on and said he had a work thing and would have to move it to the next day? Yeah, the Schmuck. The next day, I said, 'so, how about that walk'. He said, 'sorry I am not leaving the house today, too much stress here'.

So I sent a nicely worded text, telling him what kind of Schmuck I actually think he is and that I would hope he has one ounce of respect to never text me again. He texts right back apologizing and I say, 'well, I guess you don't even have one ounce of respect'. Luckily, I have never heard from him again. He's a Schmuck and I knew it, not even sure it's amusing enough for a post but he fits in well with the red flagged variety and potential murderers (based purely on shadyness).

Shady Schmuck Shane red Flags:

  • Late at first meeting (either self important or a terrible planner)

  • Reluctance to share last name

  • Charged with an International crime (that is the biggest red flag I have ever had and yet, I still met up with him again)

  • Not upfront about said crimes

  • Told me many sob stories of things that happened to him although he is an actual fraud

  • Had a delusion that he helps people so much he is like a super hero

  • Talked about himself A LOT!

  • Bails on plans and makes many excuses, is always under stress

Goodness, I am sure there are more but I waited so long to write about him because I wasn't sure if he deserved me keeping my word or not. Not that he even knows how to find this blog and not that I owe him a damn thing after he was shady to me. I'll just have to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Ways this encounter could have ended in murder, you ask? Here we go...

  1. First date, has poisoned the can of wine on the walk and tosses me in the ditch to die (start simple, I know poison is mostly a woman crime)

  2. Finds out I know too much and has co-conspirator take me out (someone capable of white collar crimes probably is also capable of putting out a hit)

  3. Someone affected by his crimes, searches him out, and while shooting him sniper style the bullet goes through him and takes me out too as an innocent bystander (I only have myself to blame)

  4. Coughed on me in our first meeting during the walk and gave me Corona Virus which he had said he was pretty sure he had already had. I become another Covid statistic (too soon?)

So, goodbye you Shady Schmuck, thank goodness you were such an obvious loser from the beginning. Me lying that I wouldn't write about you is deserved. Hope they throw the book at you!

#onlinedating #hinge #murder #whitecollarcrime #fraud #whataschmuck

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