• Kooky

Natural Habitat Matt


Let’s talk about what is going on in the world of dating in 2019. Chivalry is all but completely gone, close behind is honesty and respect. I’m not sure if it goes both ways or not but I definitely think the men (at least the ones I have dated) think that they are getting away with it and that they are fooling someone. YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Faking interest to continue sleeping with someone is manipulative, cruel and…wait for it…obvious. I am excluding those where both know that they aren’t anything more than a good time (it’s mutual and that’s what each want so good for you).


Recently, I was seeing Matt who I really enjoyed being around, he is goofy like me and fairly put together (has a job, house, car etc.), tall and handsome. First few times we met we went to have drinks at a restaurant or pub and we got along great. It was a slow progression, I went away for a while and we only texted and our schedules don’t mesh well. So to mitigate the schedule issue I was very open to driving quite a way (he does not live close to me at all) to his place and ordering dinner some nights and having a few drinks there.


Well, we all know that if I am going to his place something is bound to happen. I have not once met a man that had me over and didn’t at least try to get me to the bed. After a few dates I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. This is not my issue. The issue is what happens after that first time you go over and things happen. Suddenly there is no need to make an effort and communication becomes less and less unless it’s an invite over to his place. Dates are off now. I am not a moron, I see this coming every time but I am not sure there’s a way around it, I mean, the eventual invite will happen.


So with Matt this is exactly what happened. Great texting, great dates, he is funny and this eventually turned to house call invites. I once found someone’s lipstick on his counter and he said ‘oh, my daughter leaves her stuff everywhere.’ (Let’s be honest, if his 10-year-old daughter is wearing that shade of dark lipstick there is a different issue). I have determined that is a lie, but we never spoke about being exclusive blah blah blah and we were being safe, so I did not say anything more. He had always texted me at least once a day but would never say anything about seeing me again. I was always the one to say ‘So, am I going to see you again?’ and he would proceed with an invite…and you know where to. This gets old fast.


I am making this out like it happened a lot, I’ve only been to his house 3 times and this is where it ends. After my last visit I decided he will have to pursue seeing me again or he’s gone. And the next invite better not be his house. Well, he had always texted at least once a day until now (it’s like he knew I made this decision), the next text took 3 days. The text was just asking how my work drama was going. I responded a day later, there was some witty banter and he informed me he’d be away for the weekend. No shit. I’ve seen this before.


**This paragraph should be in a national geographic style narration voice** A man in his natural habitat will slowly decrease communication with the mate until it no longer exists. The male human fears acknowledging responsibility for his mate’s feelings and uses avoidance as a tactic. Their brains do not use logic at all times and it tells them incorrectly that they are doing nothing wrong and that the female human can only react in an erratic and crazy way. The female human has a more logical brain and has already figured out his lack of effort is him looking for a new mate, and he possibly always had been. The female will not push the male as sometimes the male feels trapped and will then eradicate the female human using something called murder (the human has many many techniques for such a thing). The behaviour of the male human has been happening for a very long time and it is amazing to watch as they never realize how obvious this is to the female human. The male human has a false sense of importance, believing that no female human can recover when they try to move on respectfully. Most human males falsely believe that they are so amazing no one can resist them.


So now that we broke it down Animal World style here are the red flags for Natural Habitat Matt…

  • Phone battery is always dead (he must be on that damn thing all day)

  • Has 3 specific available days per week (still doesn’t try to make plans on those days)

  • Sent picture via text including child (we all know how I feel about this)

  • Dark shade lipstick on kitchen counter, claims it was 10-year-old daughter’s

  • Never makes advance plans, has become very last minute

Had he not lost interest, he would be very fun to hangout with and a good guy (other than obviously being a male human and behaving as such). Once again I would’ve appreciated real communication vs me having to catch on to the hints. I’ve said this before, I am not for everyone, I have a very specific personality and it’s okay if that isn’t what someone wants. Just evolve guys! Find a way to have balls literally and figuratively…okay?


Of course there are multiple ways Matt could have murdered me...


  1. 1st date had a large parking lot that he walked me to my car in. We all know that this is an easy place to commit murder.

  2. Food was involved in every date, although the human male rarely poisons his prey I think he could have.

  3. Went to his house, far from home and he has a very dark basement that he could use Gacy style so murder and buried in the basement could have been an option.

  4. He has the grab the neck thing too (which I am noticing is a thing for most male humans), so strangulation is always an option, then a Gacy style burial.


He didn’t take long to show me his instinctual behaviour and as luck would have it someone else started to come into my life right around this time. Thank you Natural Habitat Matt for being so naturally this way that it didn’t take long to catch on.



#onlinedating #malehuman #murder #redflags #sarcasm #dating #naturalhabitatofthehumanmale


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