That's right people, I am back, single and ready to date again and write all about it. Except, of course, the current state of the world causes this to be much more difficult. Great time for a breakup dummy, during a pandemic where you are isolated, yes! I like a challenge and I am so excited to entertain you all with how sideways this can go. I managed to get through 5 months of a relationship to find out that love is never unconditional (in my world, at least) and this time the condition was who I choose as my family and friends. Let's break this down, shall we?
I am a lovely, fit, fun, often very entertaining person. What could go wrong? I guess we get back to that whole I'm "not relationship material" thing. I have standards and I will not settle, so, there's no room for bullshit with me...and...well, that seems to end them all. This time was new for me, I quite adored this man and I feel he let me down (wasn't my fault, yay!). He'd disagree and thinks his behaviour (controlling, insecure, jealousy...he'd argue those are accurate too) is completely normal and if anything just a cultural difference (again, a latin).
So, in 2017 my marriage ended with my partner of 17 years. I had been very close with his family, especially his mom. Listen, my ex neglected me and had some major faults that lead to the breakdown of our marriage, but he is not a bad or harmful person and I still consider him my friend. He found a partner in life that suits him and I am happy for him. I adore his mom, consider her a very close friend as well as his siblings and other family members. They are aunts, uncles, grandparents and family, most especially to my children, and although I choose them on my own it is also the best thing for my kids which is always numero uno. They have now been my family for 20 years plus, you never ask someone to pick you over their family, ever (foreshadowing, I think so)!
A similar incident came up before, and I should have known then, long before I was totally smitten to end things. Juan let's call him, saw an IG picture from our Christmas with my ex holding up a gift from the kids. He took such offence to me posting a picture of my ex-husband, it was bizarre. We spend Christmas together (yep, still what is best for the kids). He said it would have been fine if a kid was in the picture (it was him holding up a gift from his kids), I'm sorry what??? Nobody tells me what I can and cannot post of my holiday with my family. Well, he played like he got the point and agreed not continue with that line of bullshit any more.
Not long after, during an already heated phone call, he takes offence to me calling my ex-husband's Mom my mother-in-law. Listen, I can understand maybe it's not ideal if I was to marry you and then I had another mother-in-law, but, we were far from that and if that were to have happened I'm sure my verbiage would have changed. Either way, no one tells me what words I can use to call anyone, unless, maybe if it's a malicious and mean spirited choice.
Then we come to the present. My absolutely lovely brother-in-law (yep, I said it) who happens to live right behind me, asked if he could use my large driveway to fix up his new tent trailer. There's obviously no reason to object (I'm not using half my driveway ever) so I happily say yes. He keeps to himself mostly as he works on his trailer, especially seeing as we are trying to be socially distant but I do pop out, stand back and say hi for a bit.
So as my brother-in-law (now I'm just flaunting it) is working in my driveway, Juan is on his way over. I thought my BIL (have to shorten it now) was probably done but when I looked out my window he was still there. While on the phone with Juan I told him he is there and just to park on the street and walk in. Seems simple enough, no? Oh fuck no. Juan is pissed. First because I used the words 'brother-in-law' (sorry to be so repetitive) and because I am still allowing him to be a part of my life. That's right, my kid's Uncle what a horrible person I must be. Don't get me started on what he thought about me helping my ex-husband with his Employment Insurance claim (thanks pandemic).
Let's be clear here, my ex-husband's family have (with the exception of one spiteful and bitter sibling) been supportive to me always, stayed good friends and family to me and will always be part of my life. They are family. My BIL checks on me when he's around to make sure the kids and I are okay. I have dated you for 5 months Juan, do you think I would throw away a supportive and loving family of over 20 years to make you happy and more secure? Answer, my friends, is a big fuck no! He also said my swearing isn't lady-like so this post will be covered in it. When all of this was said, you would think he would listen to reason, understand the error of his ways. Oh no folks, he is sticking to it, this IS his hill to die on. So, he said he loved me, but 100% this was not an unconditional love. It was conditional on me not having friends or family that he didn't feel comfortable with, this was conditional on me turning my back on people I love and keeping my kids from their family.
I am happy to report that, I am not that stupid or insecure and that this is a deal breaker. No matter the hurt, or grief at losing someone I thought was special, I do not feel like I truly knew this person. I will not settle and I will find a person that is happy to meet my family and friends regardless of how that friendship came to be. My person is still out there and I get to have fun again in trying to find him and move past the hurt.
So there are definitely red flags here, here we go.....
Uncomfortable with me calling my ex-husband's family my in-laws (why would anyone care the words used to describe them)
could not see it is wrong to ask me to choose between him and my family
was obviously jealous and insecure (but don't tell him that)
exaggerated his truths, once told me he raised three teens of his own, and totally didn't raise any teens. In order to be right and have more experience than me he exaggerated the truth
shorter than me! He lied on his profile and said 5'10 but when I stood next to him, not the case (obviously I still dated him and it wasn't vanity that bothered me, it's not telling the truth most likely to get more right swipes)
Also said his deal breaker was lying but...last two points say he may not take his own advice
ADDICTED to his phone (and when called out for it, protested far too much, you know the saying...)
once got mad at me for something I wrote in this blog over a year before I met him (ummmm, I didn't even know you existed, couldn't be malicious could it?) It was Dirty Augustine's Giant Appendage, men and their egos (eye roll)
very negative, hated people in general, didn't like that I am kind to people
There's more but my intention wasn't to be a total monster because I'm mad. He was helping me to learn some Spanish which is good (I can call you a dumbass and tell you to shut your mouth) and cooked very well for me...he is a Chef. Doesn't change that in the end he was not good to me and chose his stupid opinions over me. So, off you go into the sunset to find a girl that will allow you to control who her friends and family are (poor insecure little thing). Meanwhile I am getting 100 likes a minute on Hinge and will be just fine. Welcome back my beautiful endless list of hilarious yet disturbing profiles!
Juan had many, many opportunities to take me out in the 5 months we dated (even leaving the country together), bet he wishes he did now (especially if he does the dumb thing and searches out this post to read, which I wouldn't put past him, he knows better but it's like licking a wound)...
We recently started taking the stairs to his 9th floor apartment, a swift leg movement could have had it look like an accident in the concrete stairwell
He cooked for me all the time, throw in a touch of blue cheese (I have a strange anaphylactic allergy) and again, looks like an accident
There's still time for him to go into a rage after reading this (even though you know you shouldn't, Juan!) and heading over with a hatchet, he knows where I live obviously
Don't forget all the fun Mexico style murders that I had mentioned previously
Oh goodbye Juan, through the hurt and disappointment you gave me back my blog work and for that I thank you. Be strong ladies and never settle, it is not worth it.