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  • Kooky


Although, I do not have a lot of male audience (can't imagine why), maybe the few that I have will pass on this valuable knowledge about that curious word EFFORT. I have been in this game far too long and the thing I notice most when I lose interest in someone is truly the complete lack of effort from the other side. I know we have turned into a world that hides behind a phone screen and can no longer connect or communicate. Let's take an active approach and try not to do this anymore because this is part of the reason dating today is such torture.

Let's start by saying that you don't need to reach out to someone every day or say good morning and goodnight every morning or night (although that is very sweet, and gives points). You just need to show some level of interest. If you don't, the other person will sense the lack of interest and move on. The level headed kind won't say anything about it to warn you either (they will just disappear as you have). If you are purposely doing this to get them to slowly go away because your balls are so tiny you cannot fathom writing a short text saying 'I'm sorry, I am just not feeling it between us and wish you luck', then you are a flake and need to grow them balls. If you are doing this to seem nonchalant and drive interest from the other party, STOP, this will not work and you are pushing the other person into a 'he's just not that into me' place and they will lose interest, dummy.

In my experience, the guys start out strong, tell me I'm beautiful and they can't imagine why dating is such a struggle for me and they cannot imagine not seeing me again. I'm onto you, generally I see them once maybe twice more (if at all) and then it tapers off. Before you get all worked up, because I tend to be a little self-deprecating, I don't think it's anything I am doing. That's right, I do know I am a fun, spirited, beautiful and outgoing party of one, doesn't mean everyone is going to dig this. I mean I have A LOT of personality and energy and that's not for everyone. However, I am not so intimidating that a person can't just acknowledge we didn't connect or they didn't. Only twice in three years has a man been able to say this and I respected them for it.

So, effort, when you go on a first date it should be customary to check in with the person the next day. I usually text after the date and thank the person for a nice time and if I am really not feeling it (hard to tell entirely after one date) I will follow up with the 'I don't think we connected and I wish you luck' text. It is rare for me to make decisions that fast though. In some cases I never hear from them again because ghosting is easiest for people. In many cases the next day text does happen and in most cases (with me anyway) they want to see me again soon. I can sense their interest and I like it. Women (again I don't speak for all women so be cautious) like to feel wanted, like to feel like we impress someone and they want to be around us. In my case, as the effort dwindles so does my affection for someone. When it goes from; every day texts, to every few days, to not responding to yours for hours or at all and the dreaded 'sorry, I've been busy' text, you have no choice but to assume they're just not that into you and you lose interest as well. What we all want is not to chase someone who isn't even interested. Wasting our time in this already large pool of deplorable people that we have to sift through to maybe find someone to enjoy some time with. The problem is when I text to say, I sense you've lost interest (so I am not an ass and making assumptions before I move to the next guy, I like to focus on one at a time) they say no, no I've just been really busy blah blah blah some excuse because they still want you as an option in case other things don't go well (you know they are likely dating multiple people at once because there are so many options and this new ADD way of dating is how people seem to choose it). That too is just an assumption as no one is ever clear but why else wouldn't they say, 'yeah you're right, I'm sorry, good luck with your search'.

If you are interested, work on setting up that second date because if you don't it shows no interest. Don't send messages like, so when are you coming over to see me again....actually make a plan. Call on the phone and face time when you aren't able to get together. Texts will dwindle away because it's hard to be fun or interesting that way. Also, if you are too busy dating other people to make time for someone, just tell them you are no longer interested, because you aren't...if other people take priority don't save one person in case the one you are more interested in chooses to get rid of you...this is douchey.

So this leads into a thing that we know in the dating world as breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs is when someone pays no attention to you, basically ignores you and then occasionally will send a message letting you know they are still there. They will act like they've just been really busy and then give you some attention and disappear again and continue this in some cases (especially if you are letting it happen) for years. There is no way a person is that busy and if you are, get off dating sites because you clearly have no time for it. You should be on there because you want to date and can make time for it. No one believes you are too busy...we all have jobs. If I haven't heard from you in more than a week, trust me, that ship has sailed, go away.

Recently, I dated someone I really liked. Extremely tall (6'8") and used a telephone to actually call. Messaged daily to say hi and definitely showed some actual interest, that is, until he didn't. It's funny because he was always busy, just moved here from out of town, getting his career going etc. but still could send a message occasionally and even call. We have the same Hungarian and Dutch background and talked about our love of Hungarian food, talked about making food together etc. Very shortly after we met however, he had his children coming into town for a few weeks and would not be doing anything else. To me that is completely understandable and I was okay for holding out a few weeks to see him again. In that three weeks though, and this was not clear to me, not one call or message although he did respond briefly to my texts. I couldn't understand why you couldn't at least once in a while say 'hey, I'm thinking of you' so that at least I could still assess some interest and keep interested myself. A couple of weeks in I was like okay so do you want to keep talking to me or have you lost interest since I last saw you. The last time I saw him, I did him a favor and drove a long way to pick him up and drive him to a car he needed to pick up...he seemed fine with me helping him out (of course). He responded by apologizing for not being clear but that his kids use his phone and he doesn't want them to see any messages and they are always together so I probably would not hear from him at all while they were there.

So, I still found this to be unlikely, he was responding to my texts so he really couldn't find any time to say hi? Since he communicated to me that this was the way (and I had told him I need to be told straight up, I don't read between the lines well) I decide to let it go until his kids went home and see how it goes then. I still left my dating app active because I was starting to feel like I shouldn't leave all my eggs in one basket and see if there's anyone more able to give me the attention I need. I wasn't actively searching but I wasn't ignoring people either. So, his kids went home and I receive a text the night before they do, saying he is in my area for the night to take them to the airport the next day and maybe we could meet up in the morning for a bit. I was impressed, no time was wasted, he wanted to see me. So we met up and it was short but a nice visit, said I had missed him and he said he had missed me too and I thought okay back to normal. Of course it was not back to normal. I did have to inform him that during that three weeks I was having some health issues that were starting to look like a possible form of cancer and it was stressful. He said something about choosing to remain positive but that was it. There was no comforting hug or anything like that. He did ask which day my tests were (they were the next day) and that was it. We kissed goodbye and off he went.

I messaged later, asking how an appointment he had went, his response 'ok' and nothing more. I adopted a new puppy and sent a picture later in the evening and no response at all (who could ignore an adorable puppy? Red Flag!). So here it is, either he is scared of dealing with a sicky like me (which I can't blame him for, just use your damn words!) or just lost interest...but the balls are tiny I guess. I messaged the next day 'you've been super busy?' and the response was 'yes, message me later'. Oh Fuck No! I will not! I am not chasing you any longer while you show absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. Not even a message the day of my tests asking how I'm feeling, the moment I realized he doesn't give two shits about me and I need to move on. The only question I have is why did he play so into me and then so distant and just not say it. This is so incredibly typical and a complete waste of my time. Unfortunately, if he is just busy and finding no time for me and this is the way he is, I have lost interest because this girl needs one very basic feel wanted!!! This makes me feel completely unwanted.

Moral of the story is, if you are no longer interested, use your words and say so...DO NOT leave people hanging, it's fucking rude. Also, if actually interested...

  • Text the next day

  • call occasionally

  • set up another date

  • don't send one word texts

  • respond within a few hours (everyone can do this, doesn't matter how busy you are) even with 'in the middle of something will get back to you after work'

  • ask how her day went (especially if you already know it might've been a hard one)

  • if you are interested, make an effort (2 weeks of no texts and then you want to see me? sorry, now I've lost interest in you)

It would be hard to find murdery scenarios with someone who ignores you and no longer shows interest, however I did see Very Tall Uninterested a few times, so here we go.

  1. He is an enormous man, his enormous hand could suffocate me in an instant and I'm loud so maybe he was embarrassed by my obnoxious personality and quietly suffocates me in public and walks me "Weekend at Bernie's" style to the nearest ditch

  2. I called while he was not able to talk to me, couldn't use his words to explain to me so instead chooses to drive over and take me out so I stop calling or texting

  3. Finds it so hard to tell me he is no longer interested so called me over for morning coffee just to poison me and then he never has to use his words

So, obviously, I am still living the single life slowly being ghosted by every man on online dating that has a job, is taller than me, and doesn't look completely crazy in his profile. However, I was just approved for an adoption of a rescued puppy in Mexico. Dogs definitely make you feel wanted, so if you are looking for that, stop dating and rescue a puppy. For now I think I will stick with raising a puppy, she's really cute so I am sharing her picture here. Who needs anything more than an adorable puppy?

#onlinedating #ghosting #effort #interest #murder #bumble #hinge #tinder #adoptarescuepuppy #breadcrumbdating #stopwastingmytime

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