• Kooky

Dirty Augustine

Updated: Jul 23, 2019

Between the narcissism and spoiling I caught the flu.  A really bad flu.  I don't miss work much but this one had me laid out on the couch for a couple of days.  In my boredom, after finishing an entire series on Netflix, I started swiping mostly left on Bumble.  Until I ran out of options.  I needed more, so in a fit of boredom I finally gave in to Tinder.


The options were much the same and I was 'super-swiping' (a term used when you swipe upward on Tinder to show the candidate that you really like them?  Is this necessary?  Probably not) everyone because I was so used to Bumble.  This caused some Awkward conversations because I have to respond to people.   I swiped mostly left until Augustine.  I liked his look, appeared he had a job and worked hard and was tall enough.  To my future detriment I swiped right and soon we were messaging.


We messaged on the App for a bit before I gave him my number.  One Friday he asked me to dinner the next day and we made a plan.  I almost cancelled the next day because late Friday night my friend passed away.  I told him this had happened so I may not be 100% but I thought it was good to get out.


When I drove past the restaurant I saw him standing outside and I had relief as he really was cute.  We had a nice dinner, there was a very good flow to our conversation and he didn't want it to end so asked if we could continue the date and grab a drink somewhere else.  So we did.  When I originally sat down with him for dinner and he started talking I was a little put off, I even said in my head 'this will be a one date thing'.  He was much too soft spoken for me was my thought and he has a strange accent (he is Mexican, but the accent seems mixed with a few things).  By the end of the evening I had moved past that because his personality outweighed my concerns (and my concerns were pretty vain).


He walked me to my car from the pub and, a rarity on a first date for me, he kissed me.  It was good and I felt a connection.  Dammit, I'm going to see him again.  He texted frequently at this time and asked me out again quickly.  We went out for dinner and drinks and even a comedy show.  He made the plans always which I like and I thanked him for this.  By the 4th date I went to his place.


He is a minimalist (or a liar) and has barely any furniture or personal items in his home.  Even his cupboards are mostly bare.  Seems suspicious.  We couldn't keep our hands off each other and I made no effort to avoid the bedroom (there is a bed as luck would have it).  This my friends was the BEST bedroom experience I have ever had.  It was amazing, and not just because he had the biggest appendage I had ever seen.  He had me hooked.  The dinners and home visits continue for a bit and then one weekend he suddenly forgot how to use his phone.


The first time this happened, his phone broke (or so he says).  It seemed truthful as he contacted me on Facebook messenger to make sure I knew he was still there and not ignoring me.  He even called me late one evening once he had his new card in the phone to let me know his phone was fixed and he wanted to see me.  Even though that all seemed legit it was the start of constant excuses for lack of communication.


So Dirty Augustine is Mexican and goes back and forth, he has business relationships and family in Mexico.  I had been out for dinner while he was away on some business trip (I no longer believe this to be true but it's what he said) and while at dinner a friend jokingly said that maybe he's a part of the drug Cartel in Mexico.  Of course they were being silly and we laughed but this could lead to murder so obviously this will end up in my list at the end.


Texting became almost non-existent, it would take a full day to get a response.  He would ask a question and I would answer and then silence.  Sometimes I would ask if he texted me and proceeded to throw his phone into a lake.  So, here's a fun new detail and probably a red flag, this guy is also a drummer in a band.  His excuse for the sudden lack of ability with his cell phone was how busy he was with his work and issues with the band.  He has two upcoming shows, which he gave me the dates of, and he was stressed about them.  Keep in mind, when he was with me, he definitely seemed to respond to others with no problem on his phone.


So, he informs me that something happened and he would have to make a trip immediately out East for his business.  No problem, I wish him well on his trip.  I think at this point he could sense my irritation at his lack of ability to communicate.  While 'away' I don't hear from him for days.  He then starts messaging me on the app 'WhatsApp' and says that I obviously wasn't getting his texts (I think he just didn't send any and didn't want me to be mad?).  I am no longer texting him, I respond but that's it.  He mentioned in a text that I don't appear happy with him right now.  I responded that communicating with him is like talking to myself and if that's what I was into I wouldn't have been online dating.  I said if he isn't interested to just tell me.  He proceeded to tell me he definitely still was and would like to see me again soon.


Red Flags with Dirty Augustine:


  • never married/no kids

  • suspicious accent

  • forgetting how to use a phone

  • every weekend travels for work

  • minimalist home with no personal items (almost looks like a staged apartment)

  • business dealings from another country

  • drummer in a band

So the date of one of his shows comes up (on a day I was at the hotel with Out of Town Spoiler).  I was too busy to care.  He texts me the next day stating that it was chaos where he was out East.  Keep in mind, I never asked where he was and why I wasn't hearing from him.  I am not chasing someone who doesn't appear interested so I really just didn't care anymore.  Turns out for no reason at all he offered me a lie.  I responded by asking if he had to cancel his show because it would be hard to do from out of town.  No response. 


In a rare compassionate moment I felt bad, he had to be out of town and cancel his show and I was off enjoying my time with someone else.  So I decided to check his band's Instagram to see if he really did have to cancel.  Maybe he came back for a couple days, I just wasn't sure.  I looked and there were no posts about it, I left it alone, he probably would get back to me soon.  I checked again later that night but something was different, I couldn't find the page.  So, I have 5 Instagram accounts (I know this is obnoxious), my personal, one for running, one for each dog and one for my photography business.  When I went in originally I must have been using my running account which he obviously didn't know about.  When I went back in later I was in my personal account.  Since he knows my name he could figure that one out as well as my photography account.  He purposefully blocked me!


Here's the thing, I wasn't able to see him that week, I didn't ask to see him or even try to speak to him.  It was completely unnecessary to lie to me about his location or performance. It was even more unnecessary to block me from his bands page so I wouldn't know.  Stranger still, he never posted anything to this day about that show.  I eventually texted him to tell him I know he did this and to grow a set.  It was unnecessary and it hurt my feeling (purposefully singular as I am fairly non-emotional).  Why on earth would he be saying he's still interested, keeping in contact and then lying and blocking me?  It makes no sense at all.


His response to me calling him out was admitting to it and apologizing.  He said yes it was childish and stupid but when he came back to town he wouldn't have time to see me so he didn't want to upset me.  Remember, I was making no effort to see him or ask him when I would.  He did proceed to say I obviously didn't think highly of him if I thought his reasoning was suspicious.  Excuse me?  Turning this around on me?  I did absolutely nothing.  He lied and blocked me (and I remain blocked a week later) for absolutely no reason, and I cannot figure this out.  I thought married but some investigation returned that this is not the case.


So, you would think after all this he got his out and would disappear.  No!  He asked me to meet him for coffee when he gets back into town.  Why on Earth is he still trying to keep connected?  I haven't decided what I will do, he will be 'back' in a couple of days (after all of this I doubt he's ever left town).  If he calls which I am doubtful he will, I will make a decision then.  For the benefit of my blog and entertainment I may go.  However, through all of this he was someone I thought I'd really connected with so it may be best if I just cut ties.


So another one bites the dust.  Thanks for the save Dirty Augustine at least now I don't have to worry about overhearing a cartel conversation that leads to my murder.


All the ways I could have been murdered by Dirty Augustine:


1) Obviously overhearing shady business and having to be murdered because I know too much

2) Alone in his home, which seems staged so possible a murder house

3) First night when he kissed me he had eaten blue cheese which I am allergic to (and I had informed him)

4) Poisoning, he made me drinks when I would go over to his place



#onlinedating #hinge #liar #redflags #murder #notwhohesaysheis #giantappendage

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