There's a certain amount of grief that goes with the ending of any relationship, let alone an engagement. At first I was sad and hurting, shocked that the person I was going to marry thought of me so terribly and was so willing to put me down and throw things in my face as if I had made the problem. Then, and it didn't take very long, I was angry. I was seething, livid at the person who would put me down and let my kids down and I was mad at myself for falling for the act. Then I got to acceptance, that I didn't really fall for anything and that maybe he does have a good heart and his intentions weren't malicious, maybe it all really was a mistake on his part. It doesn't matter though, does it? In the end the behaviour he betrayed to me was destructive. He's a good person but sometimes that's not enough, sometimes good people can be toxic to other good people. Unfortunately, in this case a good person did more damage than good. Doesn't matter how I felt, once those feelings were taken for granted, they were gone.
So I went through the stages, it has been over three months and I think I have accepted that what I believed my future to be is gone. I am definitely at a point where I am more interested in hanging out and having a good time than looking for something that will lead to marriage ever again. I am cautious of saying never so I won't, but I am not actively searching that out anymore either. I prefer less disappointment. My heart wants so badly to feel heard, loved, appreciated and for someone to truly know me. I am a middle aged woman now and I haven't found that yet, does it exist?
So to prepare for dating, I've decided to try and figure out what is acceptable to me from another person. I'd like my boundaries to be clear from day 1, however, I do worry this will cause issues for my dating scenarios and this blog. In the past, I was dating everyone just to have something to write about. I never anticipated a serious relationship, nor the inevitable and brutal end that came with it. The only way anything can ever become serious again is if they know who I am and it is clear they love me because I am; loyal, strong, independent, fierce, energetic, passionate, resilient, intelligent and loving. Those are things I have decided I love about myself and I require someone to love that about me too. Wouldn't want another person to think I am a gold digger and after their house.
So, what is acceptable to me? Dating-wise, I require a few things...
- EFFORT, show me that you are interested and I will respond in kind
- responding to a text is not always required immediately but if you text me and I respond immediately with a question, you respond immediately too (I know you didn't drop your phone in a lake immediately after your text)
- make plans and keep them (if I haven't seen or heard from you in over a couple weeks I will assume it is over)
- Don't waste my time (I want to enjoy myself and get out, I am not waiting around for someone who clearly isn't interested and is just too scared to say so)
- show an interest in me, ask questions, listen actively
I am sure there will be a lot of duds in this process and I will be weeding through many many awful dates which will hopefully make good blog posts. Don't worry, I still have people to tell when I am going out with a new person, just in case they are a murderer. Let's do this!