A relationship ending...doesn't make it ok to gaslight

Updated: May 16

My blog is for me, I write as a therapy, it's cathartic. If anyone reads it and enjoys it or can relate that is even better. That is why it is anonymous. Yesterday, I received further gaslighting by my ex-fiancé's friend and called immature for writing my experience. All honest and completely how it felt on this side of the relationship. In the opinion of people who really don't matter it is attention seeking, whilst anonymous. I wonder how immature they think sending a bag of dick gummies is, I think it's funny and so did he before he was the recipient. To be told that I am immature for using this outlet and finding a way to deal, and I needed a way to deal and feel better, and that I could no longer be respected is an emotionally immature response as is the constant gaslighting that I have been on the wrong side of since this all started.

"Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and your perceptions. After communicating with the person gaslighting you, you may be left feeling dazed and wondering if there is something wrong with you. You may be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you're just being too sensitive.1

Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting you might use."

Let me give you a few examples of my recent experience with gaslighting...(stop reading this if you don't like it, people who care about the abuser and want to join in)

1) We all know I have a stalker, I have been in the news multiple times over it and I remain in the home that he keeps coming back to. These are the facts. Yesterday I was told by Cry Baby Pete that I used the stalker (not sure how I got that man to start coming here) to get attention by being in the news. That if I wasn't using it for attention then I would have moved. To say that made me second guess how I've dealt with this situation, or how I perceived it. I questioned myself and I felt deeply pained. Did I use this situation to get people to show me attention, did I somehow make this happen?

The reality though is not what was being said to me by someone who is using a very painful personal thing to attack me. This is emotional abuse whether anyone wants to admit it or not. The reality is that I did not seek out the news, they sought me. The reality is that Crown and everyone involved have told me it is best to be in the news so people are watching out for me and the judge is in the community and could see the whole story too. In reality, I didn't move because the person using this against me had me waiting to move in with him as I believed that to be happening. In reality, I am struggling to afford a move and he knew that.

**Update** He told me he would never have said these things, only to offer up another disturbing fact. I wasn't texting with him, he had his friend texting me, she was gaslighting me about my stalker. Details of which she really knows nothing about. He had his best friend involved in our personal conversation, what deceit. Not only is that horribly wrong to do to someone, for me to believe I was talking to him and was in fact sharing these personal things with his friend, but I was being called immature by them and really...whose behaviour here is emotionally immature? Only kids have people text for them, as an adult I was operating under the impression that he would respectfully converse with me in person but to have someone else texting me as him is deceiving, ridiculous and wrong.

2) This person never came to me to speak in person and blindsided me with a complete detour from plans we had made. I shockingly (sarcasm folks) reacted in anger and said some reactive things. He never tried to fix this in person or come to me to discuss and try to work it out. My request was always that and he stood me up 4 times. And yes, this immature person was dumb enough to continuously give chances to meet after being stood up multiple times. That is fact, this man stood me up 4 times all while telling me he missed me (you don't stand someone up but tell them you miss them, you are giving the mixed messages). So when I told him that the reason this was over was the avoiding me and standing me up while also begging me to work things out his response was that I could have come to him. He said that I could have always gone to him and seen him if that's what I wanted was to have an in-person. This was suddenly my fault and I should have been the one making the effort to fix his change and avoidance.

So, he is now making me to blame for not having an in-person conversation even though this was his change in plans and he kept making plans to meet me and stood me up? Making me wonder if I did something wrong by not showing up to his home like a stalker when he was trying to avoid me. I should have gotten on an expensive ferry knowing he was avoiding me to go there and what? Be stood up after travelling an hour an a half? I should go to where he is and has a bunch of people that will join up with him and put power behind his lies and accusations? Invalidating my needs and feelings in a situation that was brought to me not caused by me. He was encouraging me to think I was actually to blame for not seeing him.

3) Not only was he telling me I was reacting in anger and that was wrong, so did his family. I even apologized for being so angry because telling me that being angry wasn't' okay was causing me to second guess my judgement and self-worth. I ended up speaking to someone who snapped me out of the gaslighting and validated my feelings. I had every right to be angry, I had been told things and was blind sided with a major change. However I reacted is ok, I am allowed feelings, I am allowed to be hurt in that moment and say angry things. The person who made the change and blindsided me should be the one apologizing, should be the one validating my feelings and should be the one making the effort to fix the issue they had caused.

Instead of invalidating my feelings he should have received support from his family to do the right thing himself and they should not have joined in on the attack on me.

In the end, I felt extremely attacked and confused about many things that were being said to me. I was called immature for using my therapy tool to get it out. One person made a decision that shocked and upset me and he managed to turn it all on me that I was a horrible, attention seeking, money hungry monster and his support system joined in on the emotional abuse. I was attacked for writing only truth and the person lying and turning things around gets people to join his emotional abuse. He could have learned from his behaviour by listening to the effect. Just because you have always seen a good man, and trust me I did too, does not mean he is not doing this and you should back him up just cause you know he is good. Unfortunately, his support systems are helping him to believe that this type of behaviour is okay, instead of showing him it is not. Thank you to his best friend for ensuring I got the message that I was immature and you no longer respect me. I do not respect a woman who would join in the emotional abuse of another woman and add to the gaslighting. I don't need your respect.

If you are reading this and someone is treating you in this way, know that it is not okay, your feelings of anger or sadness or hurt are valid. It is not okay for people to join in on an attack because they want to protect their loved one. It is okay for you to end a relationship and expect not to be attacked for it. It is okay for you to use any method that works for you to recover and expect not to be called names for it. And even though they can't see what their loved one was doing because of their bias you are validated in your feelings on how they behaved.

And remember all you people reading this that are mad that I am calling you out. This is anonymous and no one knows who any of you are or me so I am not hurting anyone. You are choosing to read it. And you are only mad because it is true, otherwise it wouldn't matter.

#gaslighting #emotionalabuse #truth

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