A note to those who want to support your loved ones in a break up

So, since my engagement ended lots has happened. Most of it not good and most of it in my exes attempt to get me back. I am not going to get into it too much except to ask that friends and family of people in this situation take a moment to evaluate how you support a loved one in a breakup situation.


First off, it is none of your business! Stay out of other people's relationships! Now, if this is really hard for you because you care so deeply for how much your loved one is hurting, please read on. When your loved one makes a mistake, or let's say hurts their partner somehow and due to that they are now one party of a break up situation, this is not your fight nor your problem. If your loved one is hurting because they regret their decisions and how they behaved and want their partner back... this is not your fight. The only acceptable thing to do, is give them a shoulder and support them directly...contacting their ex is a GIANT NO NO!


After my engagement ended I have dealt with people in my exes life trying to sway me to forgive him and make this my fault. Please read this over and over if you need to, it is not okay to defend, or promote or ask for sympathy on behalf of your loved one to the person that was hurt by them (and if you aren't sure who hurt who, STAY OUT OF IT). I didn't initiate any of the issue or fallout from this issue but you would think I was the cause of it all by the behaviour of people in his life. Truthfully without so much input from his 'Team' I think I could have gotten to a place where speaking to him again would be possible. It hurts a lot for someone to break your trust and to put you down only to have everyone in his life join in and add to it.


First, I was attacked and my character called out for things beyond my control and once that was over I was being told over and over to forgive him because he was hurting. When I asked why he is hurting the response was always 'because he hurt you'. What in the actual fuck?! You are asking the person who is trying to deal with the hurt that he caused to sympathize with the person who did this? I was told that if I ever loved him, I would forgive him, insinuating that if I don't, I never loved him. I was told over and over that this was just a little mistake, insinuating that I am making a bigger deal out of it and owe it to him to forgive.


THIS IS NOT OKAY! First you are BIASED and you have no way of knowing any reality outside what your loved one is telling you. Second, if he admittedly hurt someone, you are rubbing that hurt in with your opinions and only putting value on your loved one and making the person he hurt feel alone. To be told over and over how much the person who hurt you is struggling because of what they did to you is disgusting behaviour. Third, if someone asks for time to heal and think, texting them daily to ask them to forgive your loved one is ridiculous. Please note this, a person never owes you themselves, even if you diminish what was done to them and even believe it, no one is entitled to a person. If they've said they love you, if they spent every day with you prior, if you have kids with them...none of it matters, they are entitled to leave and be happy without receiving blame, pressure, and hatred from everyone you know.


You don't know what people struggle with and there are affects of these behaviors. Myself, I struggle with; PTSD, an eating disorder, the affects of a difficult family/childhood, children with complex issues and am a single parent. Someone else may have a whole different slough of difficulties, my point is you don't know. He may have difficulties too which is why I would never allow my friends and family to partake in this. When these people were guilting me and blaming me and attacking my character it affected some of my triggers. I don't have a similar family dynamic, I have often felt very alone in my life and struggled to feel safe with people. I felt safe with this person before he broke my trust and shared many of my struggles with him and I am worried I may never feel safe enough to do this again. He used some of my fears and limitations to throw it in my face later that I wasn't enough because of those things. The people in his life, pushed expectations on me that didn't take into account the boundaries and limitations I was clear about from the start. Dealing with multiple people to defend myself and stick to what I know is right for me, I was by myself but dealing with his army. I never felt more alone. He may cry to all his family and friends but for me, I struggle very much with leaning on people (it is why I write). No matter how much I want to feel like someone is supporting me unconditionally, I am too afraid to reach out and tell anyone how I am doing. So I am alone because of my own barriers, and fighting all of his supports which makes me sad and long for this thing that has been an obstacle for me my entire life.


As the person who was hurt and destroyed by the behaviour of my partner, I still knew that this was no one's business but my own, outside of support if I was finally able to ask for it. I didn't ask or have anyone contact my ex, he actually did contact some of my people himself, and it was cut short. I was left to fight so many by myself because so many took it upon themselves to deal with another person's problems. That, my friends, is drama! These people are not trying to benefit anyone but their loved one and their sick need to be a part of the drama. You are not trying to help both sides when you have a clear bias, stop lying to me and yourself. Your only intent is to 'fix' this for your loved one. If you wanted to help the other party, you would give them space and stay out of it and if you cared enough to want to talk to them it would be most appropriate to say I am sorry about what happened and move away from it.


In closing, I hope we learned something here today. Please don't practice the toxic trait of trying to solve someone else's problems. You don't know who you are hurting. Support your loved one unconditionally by being there and showing empathy, you are not required to resolve things for them and to do so is actually problematic. Unless you know something first hand your advice or thoughts are just opinion and you are using them as a one sided tool to favor your loved one. I will add that I write this as advice, I don't spite the people who did this, I think it came from them wanting so badly to stop their loved one's pain, I just wish they understood how hurtful it was and how damaging it was.


#toxictraits #breakups #NONEOFYOURBUSINESS #bekind






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